Feeling Unsure

So my b/f basically has caught on that I’m not really eating anymore and has made a few comments. This in turn has made me feel very conflicted. Do I ignore the fact that doing this only hurts myself and those I care about along with the fact that I have been doing worse health wise? Or do I attempt to defeat this demon that I have tried fighting many times before clearly with little success? I have tried dealing with it on my own before cuz I have always feared getting to the point where I’m nothing but skin n bones. I have used it as a coping device and have been pretty good at staying right above the danger level but lately food just doesn’t cross my mind most days. Literally I just don’t get hungry. No craving for food, no stomach pains or grumbles, and it doesn’t really cross my mind that oh I haven’t eaten maybe I should. Almost every time I do wind up eating something I end up having to force it down which usually makes me sick to my stomach. Then comes the fight to keep the food down. So this is why I’m at a crossroad here cuz in my opinion I don’t think I’m bad enough to need help cuz I do eat enough to keep me above a 15%bmi. Plus I’m small to start with so I don’t think I’m at a bad place but some days I just wish I was a normal weight to where clothes actually fit and no one would talk about how I have the perfect body or how I need to eat more or them wishing they were me. They don’t understand what I have done to be how I am now this has been years and years of restrictions and other methods they don’t wanna know about. So sometimes I like it cuz it’s always been there as my safety blanket but then again sometimes I hate it cuz it’s always been there and I feel like I might never be free.

7 Foot Midget – Family Values Lyrics

Mom and Dad, this one’s for you
How does it feel
To see your proud foundation fall?
Fucked up family
The brick wall
That you built so proudly

Tumbling down in shame
The same old story
Rotting me away
From the inside out

Mom and Dad, this one’s on you
Your crystal ball
Didn’t see this one coming
Everything’s just fine
Ignore the crime
Nothing can make you fall

Your reputation’s scratched
Tarnished with the truth
The “serpent” slipped right through
And there’s no going back
Once you’ve seen the truth

Your futile efforts to train them in tradition
Have only given way to mutiny
Always falling short of expectations
But there’s no falling from disgrace

I’m not coming home

itwillnotbeokay

"My mother warned me about cigarettes that could cause cancer
But she never told me that self-hatred can grow faster than any tumour ever could

My father warned me that I should never stop thinking
But he never told me that overthinking would kill my happiness

My sister warned me about other people who might make hurtful comments about me
But she never told me that instead of hearing someone else’s voice, I’d hear my own

My brother warned me about drugs in baggies sold on the street,
But he never told me about the ones that people put in your glass when you’re not looking

My grandmother warned me about the devil with his tail and red horns
But she never told me about his angelic smile and dark, ocean blue eyes

My grandfather warned me about booze that could kill
But he never told me that if you drink enough alcohol, it tastes like love

My cousin warned me that I should love my virginity to a guy I love
But she never told me he should love me, too

My aunt warned me that if I kept eating that much, I might vomit
But she never told me that even without eating anything, you can hang over the toilet and puke

My baby sitter warned me that a boy could break my heart
But she never told me that if I made him mad, he’d also break my arm and nose

My teacher warned me about dangerous men with knives that could cut my throat
But she never told me that I didn’t need these men to cut my skin

They all warned me that I shouldn’t do dangerous things that could kill me
But I never had the chance to ask them if slitting both of my wrists vertically
And taking thirty-eight aspirins, was one of these dangerous things.”

d.a.n. (the-fault-in-our-scars)

Bottle It All Up

I can’t make you understand
I can’t explain it
it’s not something that’s easily expressed
it’s much easier to just burry it inside
that’s where I hide everything
all my feelings of sadness and pain
even my happiness gets locked away
once something gets locked up it never come back
everything just builds up inside
until nothing else can fit
then everything goes wrong
I’m unalbe to cope
because I dont know how to feel
I don’t know how to show or even handle my emotions
I don’t understand them and I dont want them
I want to be hollow
I want to be empty
I just wanna be left alone
I don’t need anybody
and I don’t need to feel
I don’t want to be here anymore
and it’s just not worth it to go on anymore
why keep going when your life is a lie
all you do is say your fine
when your really dying inside

Untitled

You know it’s wrong but you just can’t stop

You know you should eat but you just don’t want to

You know not to puke but you just have to

It’s wrong and you know it

You know you’re playing with death

But it just doesn’t matter

Nothing does anymore

All that matters is what the scale has to say

All you can think about is the numbers

The numbers that are shown

Will you like them?

Or

Will you hate them?

Will you run to the bathroom or jump for joy?

Will you starve for weeks to come?

Can you break the habit?

Or

Will you turn into skin and bones?

Can you be saved before you start to die?

Will you allow yourself to be saved?

Or

Will you shrivel up and die?

Will you take that chance of Life & Death?